Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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