I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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