I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
