dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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