i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
