last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
