you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
