We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
