i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
