Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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