For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
