Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
