I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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