Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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