Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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