I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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