just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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