i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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