I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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