genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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