drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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