I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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