I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
