Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
