Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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