she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
