we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
