Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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