Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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