I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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