I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
