the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
