there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
