I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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