So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
