I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
