I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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