tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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