they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
