I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
