Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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