I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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