i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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