my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
