Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread