turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂