??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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