if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
