Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dignity is for republicans.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Congratulations! We have a period
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
