Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
