I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
