brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
