Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
