Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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