then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
