Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
