I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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