She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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