no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
