I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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